What I Wish I Knew About Toddlerhood (Hint: They’re Not Tiny Tyrants)

If you’ve ever found yourself Googling “how to survive the terrible twos” at 9 p.m. after your toddler refused to put on pajamas for the fifth night in a row—you’re not alone.

Toddlerhood has a reputation problem. Between “terrible twos,” “threenagers,” and “feral fours,” this stage is branded as pure chaos. But according to Devon Kuntzman, parenting expert, author, and founder of Transforming Toddlerhood, that reputation couldn’t be further from the truth.

As Devon puts it, toddlers don’t need taming—they need understanding. The chaos we see? It’s not misbehavior. It’s growth in motion.

The Real Truth About Toddler Behavior

When your toddler throws a tantrum because you gave them the wrong color cup, it’s not because they’re ungrateful or manipulative—it’s because their brain is still under construction.

Devon explains that toddlers spend most of their time in what experts call the “downstairs brain”—the part responsible for emotions, instincts, and the fight-flight-freeze response. Their “upstairs brain” (where logic, planning, and self-control live) is still developing—and won’t be fully online until their mid-20s.

So when your toddler melts down over socks that “feel weird,” it’s not a power struggle. It’s communication. They’re telling you, “I’m overwhelmed and don’t have the skills to handle this yet.”

Why Discipline Should Be About Teaching, Not Punishing

We’ve all been there—your toddler hits, bites, or screams, and your instinct is to correct it right away. But Devon reminds parents that traditional discipline (timeouts, threats, punishment) often misses the mark.

“If we punish kids for lacking emotional skills,” she says, “we’re punishing them for something they haven’t learned yet.”

Instead of asking “What punishment does my child need?”, ask “What skill does my child need to learn?”

This is what positive discipline looks like in action—guiding instead of shaming, teaching instead of punishing. Over time, this approach helps toddlers develop the emotional regulation and problem-solving skills they’ll use for the rest of their lives.

Connection Is the Key to Cooperation

When a child is overwhelmed, the only way through is connection.

Devon encourages parents to pause, name what their child is feeling (“You’re frustrated we have to leave the park”), and then move toward problem-solving (“How can we make this easier?”).

Even when your toddler resists your comfort, naming their feelings builds emotional awareness. The more we model calm, the more they learn calm.

Devon also suggests shifting your role from “commander” or “pushover” to confident leader. That means holding firm boundaries, but with empathy. You’re in charge—but you’re also attuned.

Regulate Yourself First

Parenting through toddlerhood is a test of endurance and patience. The end of the day—when everyone’s tired, overstimulated, and hungry—is the hardest time to stay calm. Devon encourages parents to recognize when they’ve entered their own stress response and take steps to reset.

That might mean taking a few deep breaths, stepping outside for a minute, or even doing something silly—like blowing bubbles with your toddler—to diffuse tension. Remind yourself: This is not an emergency.

Repair Is the Real Magic

You’re not going to get it right every time. None of us do. What matters most is what you do next.

If you lose your temper or say something you regret, circle back later. Devon calls this a “redo.” It’s as simple as:

“Hey, remember when I yelled earlier? That wasn’t how I wanted to handle it. Next time, I’m going to take a breath and try again.”

That one act—repair—teaches more about accountability and safety than perfection ever could.

What I Wish I Knew

Toddlerhood isn’t something to survive—it’s something to understand. These years are an invitation to slow down, connect, and see your child not as defiant, but as developing.

When you reframe tantrums as communication, discipline as teaching, and connection as the foundation of every interaction, toddlerhood starts to look a lot less “terrible.”

Just human. Messy, beautiful, and full of growth—for both of you.

Learn more about Devon Kuntzman at TransformingToddlerhood.com , pre-order her book here, or follow @transformingtoddlerhood on Instagram.