How to Keep Your Relationship Strong After Having Kids: The “Same Team” Strategy

If you’re parenting young kids and wondering why your relationship feels harder than it used to… you’re not imagining it.

Kids change everything — including your partnership. Between sleep deprivation, mental load, nonstop logistics, and hearing “mom” or “dad” approximately one thousand times a day, even the strongest relationships can slip into stress, resentment, and reactive communication.

In a recent episode of the What I Wish I Knew podcast, relationship experts Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman shared practical, realistic tools for strengthening your relationship after having kids. Their core message is simple but powerful: you and your partner are on the same team — even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Why the “Same Team” Mindset Matters After Kids

The Freemans, authors of the upcoming book Same Team, explain that the biggest threat to a relationship after children isn’t disagreement — it’s forgetting that you’re on the same side.

Many parents instinctively put their kids first, which makes sense. But the Freemans remind us that a connected, respectful partnership is actually one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. Kids are constantly observing how adults handle conflict, stress, and communication. Your relationship becomes their blueprint.

A strong relationship doesn’t mean you never argue. It means you know how to repair, reconnect, and move forward together.

The Golden Rule for Parenting Conflict: De-Escalate Now, Debrief Later

One of the most practical tools we took away from this conversation is this phrase:

“De-escalate now. Debrief later.”

Trying to solve a relationship issue in the middle of a chaotic morning or a child’s meltdown rarely works. When both partners are dysregulated, communication quickly turns into defensiveness and blame.

De-escalate now:
In the heat of the moment, the goal is not to be right — it’s to lower the temperature. This is not the time to critique your partner’s tone, parenting choices, or execution.

Debrief later:
Once things are calm (kids asleep, coffee in hand, nervous systems regulated), you can talk. The Freemans use a sports analogy: teams don’t analyze plays mid-game. They review the footage later and ask, How can we do this better next time?

Managing Your “Love Account” When Life Is Busy

The Freemans describe relationships like a bank account. Every interaction is either a deposit or a withdrawal.

Deposits can be small:

• A check-in text

• A quick hug

• Saying “thank you” for something that often goes unnoticed

Withdrawals include criticism, corrections, sarcasm, or unresolved conflict.

When your love account is running low, even small things can feel triggering. To stay ahead of resentment, the Freemans suggest a weekly check-in:
“Where’s your love account right now, from 0 to 10?”

It’s preventative, not accusatory — and it opens the door to connection before things spiral.

Getting on the Same Page Without Starting a Fight

A common frustration — especially for mothers — is feeling like they carry all the parenting research, planning, and emotional labor. The Freemans suggest a few shifts that can make collaboration easier:

• Avoid in-the-moment coaching. Correcting your partner in front of the kids often creates defensiveness, not change.

• Lead with curiosity. Try asking, “How are you feeling about parenting lately?” instead of jumping into solutions.

• Share information in their language. If your partner won’t read a parenting book but listens to podcasts or watches YouTube, meet them there.

• Name shared goals. Most parents want the same thing: kind, resilient, emotionally healthy kids.

Why Repairing in Front of Kids Is Actually Healthy

You don’t need to model a perfect, conflict-free relationship. In fact, seeing repair is far more valuable.

If your kids witness tension or a sharp tone, it’s important they also see the apology, the accountability, and the reconnection. That’s how children learn that mistakes happen — and that relationships can be repaired through communication and self-awareness.

Final Thoughts: Parenting and Partnership Are a Package Deal

Marriage and parenting are both deeply rewarding and deeply challenging — often at the same time. As Aaron Freeman shared, it’s the work of navigating hard seasons together that ultimately strengthens a relationship.

You’re not failing if things feel hard. You’re human. And remembering that you’re on the same team can be the difference between surviving parenthood and actually feeling connected through it.

For more tools on communication and repair, you can explore Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman’s resources at meetthefreemans.com.