An Economist's Guide to Ditching the "Having It All" Myth
If you're a parent (or just a human woman in this society), you've probably felt that nagging pressure of "Can I really have it all?". We tackled this societal myth in this episode with Corinne Low, an economist, author, and mom of two. Corinne highlights that society's version of "balance" is often "perfectionist, unattainable", but she's here to help us redefine success on our terms.
Corinne's "Midlife Crisis" and a Big Revelation
Corinne's journey began during her own "midlife crisis" as a new mom - where commuting hours, and shouldering most domestic duties as the sole breadwinner made her feel like she was "failing at everything". Her economist brain, having coined "reproductive capital" in grad school to describe women's time-limited ability to create life, soon revealed a crucial truth: her struggle wasn't personal failure. Data showed even primary breadwinner women do twice as much cooking and cleaning as lower-earning male spouses. This validation meant, "it wasn't me, I wasn't the problem".
Your "Utility Function": Why Comparing Yourself is SO Last Season
Corinne introduces "utility" – your unique "personal profit function" for deep fulfillment and joy over a lifetime. The key? You can't compare your utility to someone else's. This frees you from constant comparison, recognizing you're "solving a different problem". If a household task, like sewing home made throw pillows, doesn't bring you "direct utility," Corinne says it's totally okay to outsource it or "throw it out!".
The Invisible Load: "Pink" vs. "Blue" Jobs
Let's talk about the "invisible load" of household labor. Men's "blue jobs" like yard work are typically monthly or weekly. Women's "pink jobs" – childcare, cooking – are daily, even hourly, consuming a "tiny fraction" more household time. Often, "girl tasks" involve multitasking with watching children, unlike "boy tasks". How to find a solution? Corrine suggests tracking time to make this disparity visible, as many men would be "shocked" by the true universe of tasks their partners undertake.
Battling Burnout: The Genius of "Paying Yourself First" (with Time!)
Corinne lays it out clearly: "letting yourself become worn down into a pile of resentment and exhaustion in the name of your family is not actually good parenting". She advocates "paying yourself first" with time, just like with money. Block out time for replenishing activities – yoga, a run, seeing a friend – first thing in the morning or in the week or in the month. You'll find that if you do this first thing, you'll still accomplish everything else you have on your to do list for the day. This commitment also forces others, like partners, to step up, shifting the "mental load" and letting go of the need for perfection.
Career, Society, and Redefining Relationships
Corinne also points out structural barriers: women face career obstacles regardless of having children. Discrimination is so pervasive that women only get promoted at the same rate as men once past childbearing years. She advises viewing careers as a "tool to turn our time into money," not an end in itself, and encourages reclassifying extra tasks that don't advance your career as "volunteer work" for your employer. Her advice for young women dating? "Interview for co-CEO of the household" – you need a partner who genuinely "cares about the same things that I care about" regarding household responsibilities, not just a movie date.
Corinne's "What I Wish I Knew" Parenting Takeaway:
Just because something is "evidence-based" doesn't mean you have to do it if it negatively impacts your mental health. Society expects women to sacrifice everything for "infinitesimal" improvements in child outcomes, but it's okay to "let some things go". Because a happier, better-resourced parent is often the best thing for your kids.
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This episode is a powerful reminder to redefine success, understand your unique utility, prioritize well-being, and advocate for equitable partnerships. Find Corinne Low's book wherever books are sold (you can pre-order it on her website here), and connect with her at corinnelow.substack.com or corinnelow.phd on Instagram.
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